The Three Worst Things to Hear in a Cockpit:
1. OH Shit!
2. I have an Idea!
3. Hey, Watch this!
Air Traffic Controllers:
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners
and control towers from around the world:
One:
The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind
to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide
spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do
you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty
in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied,
"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
Two:
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American
751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light
to return to the airport.
Three:
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing
stupid!"
Four:
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure
Control).
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ...
by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal
on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
Five:
An airplane is flying over an airport and the pilot radios in:
"I can't get the landing gear in position. From the tower,
the controller quickly responds: "Try everything you can!"
Pilot: "I am! I am!" "Then in that case..."
the tower responds, "...say hello to my grandma in heaven."
And the pilot says: "Why don't you tell her yourself?"
Tower: "How can I tell her myself?"
Pilot: "Because I'm headed straight for the Tower!!!"
The Pilot's Prayer:
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, Thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
Ten Ways To Tell If Your Pilot is on Drugs:
1. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.
2. In between "May I" and "have your attention"
there's a 45-minute pause.
3. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
4. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia.
5. His copilot: Robert Downey Jr.
6. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like
a rodeo cowboy.
7. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like
his old high school teachers.
8. His wings are pinned to his bare chest.
9. When you fly over International Date Line, he yells, "Dude!
We're, like, time traveling!"
10. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.
The Pilot's Here!
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight
to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport
staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and
the flight can take off immediately after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane. As nervous laughter spreads through the cabin the
men enter the cockpit, close the door, and start the engines.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people
at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water
at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off,
that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but
at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late,
and we're all gonna die."
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THE AIRLINES:Airline
Abbreviations:Pet names are a part of Corporate Life too…I
finally figured out what 'Delta' stands for: Don't Expect Legroom
on This Airline…here's a few others:
Aeroflot = Areosplat
Aero Mexico = Aero Maybe
Airbus = Scarebus
Air France = Air Chance
Air Jamaica = Air Jammin'
Air New York = Air New Jerk
ALITALIA = All Landed in Turin, All Luggage in Athens
AA = Always Awful & Arrogant Airlines
American West = American Worst
Aspen Airways = Crashpen Airways
ATA = Alcoholics Transporting Alcoholics
BA = Bloody Awful
BOAC = Bloody Old and Careless
Boeing 727 = Triannosaurus Jet
Cathay Pacific = Crash in Pacific
China Airlines = China Scarelines & Choose Another
CAI = Circle Airports Indefinitely
Cubana = Castro Usually Boards Another Aircraft
DC-10 = Death Cruiser
DELTA = Directed Everyone's Luggage to Atlanta
DHL = Duey, Huey and Louie
Eastern = Every Airplane Seems To Explode and Wreck Normally
Egypt Air = Gypped Air
El Al = Every Landing Always Late
Finnair = Finished Airlines
Garuda = Good and Reliable Until Delay Announced
Gulf Air = Gulp Air
Iberia = I'll Bury Ya
Icelandair = Fish International
India Airlines = Indian Scarelines
Iraqi Airways = I Wrecked it Airlines
JAL = Jittery and Late
KLM - Keeps Losing Money
Korean Air Lines = Careenin' Air Lines
Kuwait Airways = You Wait Airways
Lufthansa = Let Us Fuck The Hostess as No Steward Available
LOT = Look Out Tower
Malev = Many Airplanes Leave, Everyone Vomits
MD-80 = Sky Slug
Mexicana = Wrecksicana
Midway Airlines = May Day Airlines
Northwest Airlines = Noneworst Airlines
PIA = Please Inform Allah
Pan Am Airlines = Pandemonium Airlines
PSA = People Scattered Allover
People Express = Cattle Express
Qantas = Quite a Neat Trick Arriving Safely
Rocky Mountain Airways = Rocky Mountain Scareways
SAS = Slow and Safe
Shuttle By United = Cattle By United
Sabena = Such A bad Experience, Never Again
Southwest = Southworst
Texas Air = Wrecks Us Air
TWA = Tramps, Whores and Alcoholics & Terrorists Wanted Airlines
USAir = Useless Air
United = Ur Never Intended to Ever Depart
ValuJet = JunkJet
Virgin = Virtually A Greyhound
Suggested Advertising Slogans For Delta Airlines:
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
Delta: We might be landing on your street!
Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
So that's what these buttons do!
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers:
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding
area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to
go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to
you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to
you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the
more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
You Know It's a "No Frills" Airline When...
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just
once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the
plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
If Operating Systems were Airlines:
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold
of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump
off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it
back into the air, hop on, jump off....
MacAirways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots
all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask
them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want
to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense, your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes
above the clouds and, and 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few
prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight
has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway.
Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices,
pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside.
They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these
new jets and how much safer it will be that Windows Airlines,
but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians
to finish the flight system.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the
tarmac and place them in an outline of a plane. They sit down,
flap their arms, and make jet-swooshing sounds as if they are
flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane
and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the
tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The
passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft
but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their
destinations, but *all* of them believe they arrived.
Strangest Things Seen On International Flights:
The fastest passengers get the best seats at Tunis Airport . (Kinda
like Southwest!)
Dead pigs on board in Africa, and they don't have to pay for an
extra seat. (Obviously not an El Al Flight!)
Clapping when a plane lands -- on European charters and Russian
flights. (And ValueJet Flights!)
Bribing a gate agent to get a seat when the plane is not full
in Africa.
Lack of the concept of lining up in many, many places. (Yea, like
New York!)
Did you know in Japan vacationers rent luggage so they don't have
it wasting precious space in their homes for the rest of the year.
Passengers who furnish their homes with on-board amenities.
In-flight entertainment consisted of Flight Attendants playing
bingo on board a flight to Venezuela from Miami.
A Chairman Mao Tie Pin given as a gift for flying on this airline.
The UnOfficial Airline Dictionary
The words and phrases commonly used by airline employees for which
the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.
Passenger: (PAX)
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found
in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent
in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or
confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line."
This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed
in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriates and Paxus ignoramus.
Pre-Board:
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
Voluntary Over Sale:
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jet way is coming off
the flight.
No Record:
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
Non-Revenue Position: (Non-Rev)
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are
in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms.
Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of
charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first
class passenger charges.
Group:
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) traveling together.
The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar
until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure,
or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to
groups as this may convenience them.
Sign:
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children.
Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas
of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim,
etc.
Position Closed:
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when
interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
Baggage Claim:
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually
hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
Carry On Bag:
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to
fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless
of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as
carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck
tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
Flight Schedule:
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
On Time:
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
Fog:
A natural weather phenomenon, which usually occurs around an airport
while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the
airlines and is used to delay flights.
Air Traffic Control:
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The
game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but
the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers
to make connecting flights.
Ticket Agent:
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability
of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller,
the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat.
They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and
all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three
questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without
stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit
in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves
Airport Pet Names:
Atlanta = MyLanta
Aspen, CO = Asspain
Chicago O'Hare = O'Hassel & O'Scare
DFW = Dallas Fort Worthless, D F'in W.
Fort Lauderdale = Fort Liquordale
La Guradia = La garbage
Chicago Midway = Skidway
Flight Crew Code Words:
Blue ice = frozen toilet water
Choppy Air = severe turbulence
Hockey Puck = tasteless deli sandwich
Jetbag = very senior flight attendant
New Arrival Time = late!
NFR = 'Nother 'Friggin Runner (passenger arriving late)
Refrigerator = carry-on piece too large for overhead bin
Restricted Visibility = a white out or bad fog
Self-loading cargo = passengers
Showers = severe thunderstorm
Slam Dunk = very hard landing
Slider = tasteless breakfest omelet
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PEOPLE IN TRANSIT:
The Ten Tourist Commandments:
Thou shalt not take anything too seriously, for a carefree mind
is the beginning of a fine trip.
Thou shalt not expect to find things precisely as they are at
home - for thou hast left home to find things different.
Thou shalt not let other tourists get on thy nerves, for thou
art paying good money to enjoy thyself.
Thou shalt take only half the clothes thou think thou needs, and
twice the money.
Thou shalt not worry, for he that worrieth hath no pleasure -
few things are ever fatal.
Thou shalt not judge the people of a country by the one person
who hast given thee trouble.
Thou shalt in Rome do somewhat as the Romans do.
Thou shalt carry thy passport at all times - for one without a
Passport is a person without a country.
Thou shalt learn to say:
Please, Thank You and Hello in
any language; it is worth more than gold.
Thou art welcome in every land - treat thy hosts with respect
and thou shalt be an honored guest.
Top Ten Strategies For Avoiding Your Airline Seatmate:
Avoid Eye Contact
Pretend to Speak Another Language
Cough Repeatedly
Wear Headphones
Pretend to Be Asleep
Pretend to Be Deaf
Don't Bathe Before Your Flight
Appear to Be Crazy
Sit In The Head the Entire Flight
Buy Two Seats, Leave One Empty
THE IRATE CUSTOMER:
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer
or have been one, this one is for you:
A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out. Please go to the end of the
line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any
idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?"
she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We
have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore, fuck
you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Things You Hate To Hear While Traveling:
"…it's
just a mechanical delay!"
"…please follow me for a secondary search!"
"…sorry, we have no record of your reservation!"
"…that's it, no more luggage left!"
"…we need a volunteer..."
"…your flight has been canceled!"
"…they're
just de-icing the plane."
"…that
was the last plane out tonight!"
"…all the ATM's are out."
"…your card has been declined, do you have another one?"
"…please fasten your seat belts, we're in for a few
bumps. Flight attendants, please be seated."
You're Staying at a Bad Motel, When…:
The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy
has died.
The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
The "magic fingers vibration" is supplied by giving
a quarter to the town epileptic.
There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that
is yellow
The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent
bullet holes.
You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel
so you can use it.
There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for
you.
The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne
on it.
The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.
What Backpackers Wrote:
(According to U.S. Forest Service)
The places where trails do not exist are not marked well.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
Trails need to be wider so people can walk holding hands.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders. Please spray the wilderness
to rid the area of these pests.
Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Escalators would help on uphill sections.
The coyotes made too much noise last night. Please eradicate these
annoying animals.
Strange Foods:
Airline Food (Everywhere): An oxymoron isn't it?
Balut (Philippines): duck embryo
Bats on a Stick (Laos): Nuff said!
Black Pudding (England): Fried Blood
Bush Meat (Africa): elephants, chimps, and zebras, whatever.
Cat Juice (Korea): Nuff said!
Dinuguan (Philippines): Blood soup.
Five Penis Wine (China): What, no Bud?
Fruit Bat (Philippines): grilled, of course!
Fugu (Japan): Pufferfish, 250 times more toxic than cyanide
Grilled Baby Mice (Thailand): with ginger dipping sauce
Haggis (Scotland): Sheep stomach filled with whiskey & entrails
Iguanas (Mexico): Grilled to perfection with limejuice!
Kanni (Africa): caterpillar soup
Long Pig (Borneo): People on a spit!
Moose nose jelly (Eskimos): Nuff said!
Paddy Chicken (Singapore): stuffed frog
Pieds de chameau a la vinaigrette (North Africa): camel's feet
Rocky Mountain Oysters (USA): Fried lamb/calf testicles
Three Screams (China): newborn mice and torture!
Vegemite (Australia): cultured yeast that tastes like salted toe
jam.
Fact: Dateline Moscow
A woman passenger who survived a three mile fall after her 1981
Aeroflot flight collided with a military aircraft near the Chinese
border and crashed won $50 compensation for the loss of her luggage.
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CRUISE PEOPLE:The Cruiseaholics'
12-Step Program:
1. We admit that we are powerless over cruises and our lives have
become unmanageable.....
2. Came to believe in a cruise greater than ourselves could restore
us to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn our credit cards and our lives over
to the care of cruising, as we understand it.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the chocoholic
buffet on NCL
5. Admitted to cruising, to ourselves, and to another human being
the exact nature of what formal night really means
6. Were entirely ready to have cruising remove all my dignity
in the Best Legs contest on Carnival
7. Humbly asked cruising to remove all my dollar chips in the
casino in three short hours
8. Made a list of all persons we had met on the cruise ship that
we would like to see again on another cruise
9. Made direct payments to the shore excursions desk wherever
possible, except when finding a better cheaper tour on our own
10. Continued to take personal inventory of the breakfast buffet
and when we were full head straight to line dancing lessons
11. Sought through inside and outside cabins to improve our location
with upgrades and room credits, praying only for an open seat
with a view in the show lounge and the power to land a decent
deck chair in the morning.
12. Having a had a cruise experience as the result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message to cruiseaholics, and to practice
these rituals in as many cruises a year as our pocket book allows.
Dumb Questions Asked by Cruise Passengers.
Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
Is it salt water in the toilets?
What elevation are we at?
There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays
them the next day... the question asked..."If the pictures
aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?"
What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
Back to to
FLIGHT ATTENDANT HUMOR:
Editors Preface: The world's first "stewardesses"
took to the skies may 15th, 1930 on a UA flight from SFO to ORD.
The flight took 20 hours and made 13 stops, so much for the early
glamour of flight! Ugh… The job has evolved over the years
from being women only, mandatory nurses, wearing hats and white
gloves (to hot pants and mini skirts), subjecting themselves to
weekly weigh-ins. Some "stews" made four uniform changes
per flight! We call them "flight attendants" today and
there are more than 300,000 of them worldwide from Alaska Airlines
to Zimbabwe International. We think F/A's get a bad rap considering
that they have to put up with us flyers: board us, usher us to
our seats, stow our oversized carryons, answer stupid questions,
wait on us (Chicken or beef? Coffee or tea?), soothe us during
turbulent times, hold nervous flyers hands, clean the bathrooms,
clean up our messes, entertain us, thwart our unrequested advances,
and say good bye 342 times - all with a pleasant smile.That said;
let's poke some fun their way!
Tips for Aspiring Flight Attendants:
Oven mitts help created the illusion of hot meals!
Effective nut distribution is the key to happy passengers!
Excessive fingernail length is the primary cause of beverage spillage!
Fashion hint: practrice scarf arrangements.
Always remember that "Yes, for sure." means "NO."
Remember that no amount of lip gloss can hide your inner torments,
always smile!
Never neglect to build on your soap, lotions, match book and business
card collections when on a layover...think retirement!
Do not attempt to dispense spiritual or psychological advice:
remember, you are a waitress on fast-moving vehivle!
Please Board Your Aircraft...NOW!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after
a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 001 to LAX. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine
cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Our airline
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry
unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it
was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach
the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
US Airways."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...
it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on
the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers
not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full
and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after
a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee… "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 123 to Sacramento. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
US Airways."
A woman passenger, when the coach lavatory wasn't working, asked
the flight attendant to get the Captain to page a plumber!
Back to top
TRAVEL STORIES:A Dirty Dozen (and
then some) Stories…
One:
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said,
"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed
WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like
this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to
this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than
a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button,
which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his
eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one
too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked
ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your
pillow."
Two:
While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a
Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard
over the cabin PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering
anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their
seat on this flight."
After a short pause, someone in the cockpit loudly accepted the
offer.
Three:
A doctor, a lawyer and a travel agent were sitting around one
evening when the conversation turned to their dogs.
The doctor said, " My dog must be the smartest dog in the
universe. Just watch this. " "Here, Lobotomy,"
he called and Lobotomy pranced in with a tray of fancy tropical
drinks on his head.
"Not bad," said the lawyer, " but my dog can top
that." "Here, Plaintiff," he whistled, and in trotted
Plaintiff with a giant bowl of shrimp clutched in her teeth.
"I'm impressed," said the travel agent, "but my
dog can do better." "Here, Fam Trip," he bellowed.
Fam Trip raced in, drank all the drinks, ate all the shrimp, and
"made love" to both the doctor and the lawyer.
Four:
There is this travel agent that got a heart attack. He was rushed
into the emergency room of a hospital where they attempted to
revive him.
As things go, his soul left the body and went down to hell. The
devil invited him in, and showed him around. Much to his surprise,
everyone was having a great time. A Mariachi band was playing
loud music, people were dancing, the drinks were flowing, and
there was shrimp, roast beef, turkey, and all other kinds of wonderful
food and entertainment.
Meanwhile, back in the hospital, the doctors working on him were
successful, and they brought him back to life.
Eventually many years later he had another heart attack, but this
time it was to late and he was really dead. His soul left the
body and once again it arrived at the gates of hell. The devil
let him in and this time he saw people moaning and groaning as
they shoveled coal into hot furnaces. In great shock at what he
was seeing he called the devil over and asked him, "what
is going on here?!?" "The last time I came down here
there were drinks, and all kinds of food, and everyone was having
a great time!"
"Well," the Devil responded, "the last time you
were here...you were on a FAM."
Five:
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of
the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager,
asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting
in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of
the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for
the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the
slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello,
mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return.
"What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even
looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the
east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's
great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate
greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return
to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big
Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied
with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
Six:
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him
go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the
little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to
decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave
of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and
sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any
better now?"
Seven:
An 85-year-old woman named Florence went to the straw market in
Nassau and bought a hat. She wore it back to the ship. As she
was going up the gangplank, a gust of wind came and blew her dress
up. Florence put both hands on the hat to keep it from blowing
off her head. The cruise director saw this and said, "Florence,
your dress is being blown. People can see everything."
Florence said, "Everything they can see is 85 years old.
This hat is brand new."
Eight:
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old
boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum shatters
the peace. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does
to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously
and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping
the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his
chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst
into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way
back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could
I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed
him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained
that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
on any flight I choose."
Nine:
A pilot dies and goes to hell. He is given a couple of rooms to
choose from. They give him 5 minutes to look around and make a
decision.
He opens the first door and sees a few pilots going through checklists.
The pilot thinks: "I have had enough of that." and proceeds
to open the second door. There he finds a couple of pilots on
an endless holding pattern. "Enough of that", thinks
the pilot. Then he opens the third door to find a flight attendant
feeding and taking care of the pilots. "Oh Well..."
thinks the pilot..."I think I can handle that."
He goes back and the Devil asks him if he has made a decision.
The pilot answers: "I choose the third door." and the
Devil quickly replies: "Oh no. That is the Flight Attendant's
Hell!"
Ten:
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had
gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem,"
the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the
train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform
the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news
and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed,
and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that
you decided to take the train and not a plane!"
Eleven:
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal
service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with
his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from
his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed
by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight
attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert
in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers
knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon,
we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the
customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have
a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined
that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we
went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our
penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?"
he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since
I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back
in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other
guys, but I use the spoon."
Twelve:
Two blondes were on a 747 flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen
minutes into the flight, the captain announced, "One of the
engines has failed… But don't worry we have three engines
left. However, the flight will be an hour longer".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine
has failed...But don't worry we have two engines left. However,
the flight will be two hours longer."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed… But don't worry we have one engine left. However,
the flight will be three hours longer."
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "Gee, I hope
we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever"
Thirteen:
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally
took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was
the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a
while to find a new pilot."
Fourteen:
A new blond Flight Attendant was late for pick-up at the hotel.
The Captain called her up wondering what had happened to her.
She answered the phone and said: "I can't get out of the
room."
"You can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked,
"Why not?"
The blonde Flight Attendant replied: "There are only three
doors in this room, one is the bathroom, one is the closet and
the other one has a sign that says Do Not Disturb."
Fifteen:
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight,
now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence…
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while
I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee
and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see
the back of mine!"
Back to top
A REGULAR TRAVEL YUKEFEST!
Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked
him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't need
no seatbelt." She responded, "Superman don't need no
plane."
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of
my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to
Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her,
"You did it last week!"
- Henny Youngman
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
- Mark Russell
Q. How does a flight attendant tell a passenger to go to hell?
A. I'll be right back!
Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.
Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.
Q. What's the difference between a Flight Attendant and a Mercedes?
A. Not everyone has been on a Mercedes
Q. What do Flight Attendants and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A. They all have a blue dress with stains on it.
Q. How do you make a flight attendant come with one finger?
A. Pressing the flight attendant call button
Q. What do you call a bunch of Flight Attendants in a basement?
A. A Whine Cellar!
Q. An airhead Flight Attendant, a smart Flight Attendant and Santa
Claus jumped off the airplane after they lost both engines. Who
made the largest splash?
A. The airhead Flight Attendant. The others don't exist!
Q. What's the difference between a flight attendant and a 727
engine?
A. The 727 engine stops whining after landing
Q. What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendant?
A. Pilot Error
Q. Flight Attendant: "How did you find your meat, sir?"
A. Passenger: "With a magnifying glass
Q. What's the difference between first class and coach?
A. In first class the stewards clean up after the animals. In
coach, you have to
The Difference Between Airplanes and Women:
An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you
buy airplane magazines.
If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane
Back to top
THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD:
A French Travel Advisory:
This is a fictitious "take-off" or parody of the type
of travel advisories and officialese country summaries that are
sometimes distributed by the US Government. While the primary
focus of the parody is in fact the US rather than France, in the
likely event that some French people may choose to be offended
by the following, well, all we can say in reply to that is "Rainbow
Warrior" and "Mururoa".
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France
was compiled from information provided by the US State Department,
the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the
Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control,
and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know
about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent
of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though
not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany,
Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence
and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the
Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization
are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get
decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French,
though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign
country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously
oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.
The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud,
arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly
guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and
topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names
like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart
from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty
in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the
visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened
in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to
London.
History
Charlemagne discovered France in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections
are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.
For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members
are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,
frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off
atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone
complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is
not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have
hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything
but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than
a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it; no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other
hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans
to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick
to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday
Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy; second only to Germany's
in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy,
are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among
its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de
Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18
Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile
Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish
Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January
12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National
Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape,
and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country
if French people didn't inhabit it.
A Word of Warning!
The consular services of the United States government are intended
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses
such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and the Coca-Cola Corporation.
In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury
involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American
Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday
or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent
to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something
similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck.
Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign…
(
Actual Signs From Abroad)
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON
TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS
A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN
SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING
FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS
OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's restroom in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes, Greece:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE
CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
In an Kenyan newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS
HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER
IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czech Republic:
TAKE OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICECREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At the Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,
GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco, Mexico:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET
HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Two signs from a Majorca, Spain shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.
In a Leipzig lift:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings
in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers
beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In A Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are
best in the long run.
On the lion cage at a Czech Republic zoo:
No smoothen the lion.
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.On a helmet-mounted
mirror used by a cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE
ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.On the bottle-top of a British
flavored milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.On a New Zealand
insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.In an American guide to setting
up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES
TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?On an
American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.On a bag of Fritos-brand corn chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
On the bottom of a Tesco's Tiramisu dessert box:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.On a string of Chinese-made Christmas
lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
"If you need to drink the boiled water, please use building
inside electricity hot water pot." In China...
Hotel in Turpan, China: "The hotel doesn't rent out a
bed but a room and advise all our guests don't living in a room
with a stranger."
Hotel in Xi'an, China: "To guard against any public loss
or theft, police officers exercising official missions are strongly
requested to contact and inform local police about the arms
and ammunition they bring with themselves."
"Prices are calculated with each beginning minute you
are already charged after 20 seconds of dialling even without
receiving a connection!!!!. Please do not hold longer than this
time, but redial or charges for you will occur!!" Uzbekistan
Post Office
In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a Westlands jewelry store:
Ears pierced while you wait.In Indian store along River Road:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?On the
grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
On an Athi River highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a San Francisco restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends.
One of the Mathare buildings:
Mental Health Prevention Center
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a Michigan cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves.
In a Japanese hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such a thing please don't read this notice.
A sign posted in a tourist camping park:
It is strictly forbidden on our camping sites that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in
one tent unless they
are married with each other for that purpose.
In the same club:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.On the
Café located in Bombay:
SORRY
NO TALKING TO CASHIER
NO SMOKING
NO FIGHTING
NO CREDIT
NO OUTSIDE FOOD
NO SITTING LONG
NO TALKING LOUD
NO SPITTING
NO BARGAINING
NO WATER TO OUTSIDERS
NO CHANGE
NO TELEPHONE
NO MATCH STICKS
NO DISCUSSING GAMBLING
NO NEWSPAPER
NO COMBING
NO BEEF
NO LEG ON CHAIR
NO HARD LIQUOR ALLOWED
NO ADDRESS ENQUIRY
